Jailbait

This week Meaghan and I watch a soft core porn film that’s on Netflix. It’s a bad movie, just like regular porn no one is watching this thing for the deep plot. But unlike regular porn there is no penetration, though there are a ton of titties.

The “plot” is unimportant. She’s in prison because she got sexually abused. In prison she gets sexually abused. Everyone gets sexually abused. She gets addicted to drugs and everyone is trying to “save” her from the drugs they’re giving her even though it’s totally reasonable to expect a person who has had everything taken away from her in a situation where no one believes you and is actively harming you that you would take as many hits of heroin as your fragile veins can handle.

Anyway,

There are 11 “sex” scenes.

7 fights

2 fights where the “swat” team is called in with IMMEDIATE RESPONSE

3 visits to solitary (with one suicide attempt)

7 scenes in the somber shower

5 scenes with the nurse, who gets a death scene I don’t even know

3 scenes with the mom who doesn’t believe her and then MAGICALLY believes her halfway through the film.

Oh and she plays the cello at the TALENT SHOW

She plays the cello four times. She doesn’t actually play it and its painfully obvious.

This is one of our best podcasts.

I talk about game of thrones at the end.

Ana Z go 14 minutes into the recording, we <3 you.

JAILBAIT

NOTE: there are no producer credits at the beginning of the film. It opens with a shot of some city and then "Asylum Pictures" comes across the screen. Our sync point is right when that "Asylum Pictures" text disappears.

Scoop

Scoopy doop, scoopy doop, scoopy doopy doopy doop. *sung to Shoop by Salt n Peppa*

This is a woody allen movie. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just slow and boring. I think that I like this movie, but I don’t really want to watch it again.

Anyway, it’s about some Journalism student, ScarJo, who sleeps her way to the top of the heap. Ok no it’s not about that at all. ScarJo does her share of sleeping but it really doesn’t get her anywhere. I am just glad that by the end of the movie she’s able to get something published in the paper.

Hugh Jackman is the best actor in this film, his turn at the end as the badguy is the fucking highlight of the whole two hours we spent watching this thing. Watching him go all “bitch please” on ScarJo on the boat amounted to a tantric release of pure acting joy.

Woody Allen however, plays himself, inserting himself in the story as a “father figure” to ScarJo. He continues to exist in the story even though there is no real reason for him to be there other than the “ghost” (yes, you read that right, the ghost) of someone reporter happens to give ScarJo the Macguffin storyline in Woody Allen’s magic box (lol). Woody Allen’s character constantly goes on about how he doesn’t want to be there, yet, he is still always there.

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Relatedly, I think this is one of the best blogcasts we’ve done. I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as we enjoyed making it.

Scoop 

Drive Hard

Drive Hard is a movie where no one drives hard at all. In fact, most of the “car chases” that happen in this movie look slow speed. For some reason Thomas Jane keeps “shifting” an automatic by slamming on the break and moving the gear selector.

The acting is atrocious by everyone involved. I’m not actually sure there was even a whole scene’s worth of dialogue written for this thing. Every scene with Cusack and Jane seem like they’re literally making it up on the spot. And I’m not sure John Cusack actually knows what a burner phone is, but he sure has a lot of them!

Anyway they set Jane up as a race car driver by buying some stock footage of a “race” but he marries some hauty-taughty woman who wants him to grow up. Cusack teaching Jane the meaning of being a man. Haha just kidding, Cusack teaches nothing and Jane just seem to randomly decide that he wants to be a man now and what??

Oh, and Jane owes people money at the beginning of the film and then it’s never mentioned again.

The set design was shit, the costuming was shit, you could tell when they were in front of a green screen and the lighting kept changing at random. Oh and don't forget the motorcycle exploding from one bullet, the VERY CGI motorcycle.

This movie made me hate John Cusack more than any other movie.

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Our recording this time was not that great. We are trying dammit but we aren’t professional podcasters. I need to get a second mic.

DRIVE HARD

London Boulevard

New Week, new format.

Every week Meaghan and I will talk over a bad Netflix movie. It’s like you’re right here in the living room with us as we talk about everything from cooking to what’s been going on…oh yeah and we might talk about the film as well.

We will be recording our first viewing only. No scripts, no studying. Just the two of us, a film, and the thoughts that come to our head. We could have seen the movie before but it has to have been a while ago.

The first film is called London Boulevard. It was bad but I think we made it better.

Here’s the link to the soundcloud.

London Boulevard

HOW TO SYNC:

Every movie starts with production credits, so that will be our cue. The audio will sync up to when I say “now” (you’ll know because I’ll talk about it) at the very end of the FIRST production credit.

1. Start the film, let it run until the first production credit goes to black. PAUSE the Netflix stream AS SOON as the screen goes black. This is where I will say “NOW”

2. Play our audio. We will talk for a bit because that’s what we’ll do. Then I will say ‘NOW”

3. The moment I say “now” is when you will UNPAUSE the Netflix stream, and they should be synced close enough to enjoy our terrible commentary.